Been walking on a tightrope, juggling high hopes and reality Just trying not to mess up, tryna keep my head up, fighting gravity I can’t outrun growing up, I still feel like a kid
Quick to judge the ones we love Sometimes I forget
It’s your first time on Earth too And I hope that you know that I don’t blame you It’s just pain that you were passing down I’m older, and I see it now It’s your first time on Earth too
Back then, I didn’t get that you gave me the best that you knew how to do You were far from done growing up when you had a kid
Quick to judge the ones we love Sometimes I forget
It’s your first time on Earth too And I hope that you know that I don’t blame you It’s just pain that you were passing down I’m older, and I see it now It’s your first time on Earth too
I really lost sight of some things for a couple of years. Given my past, much of my early adulthood was one spent feeling just incredibly grateful for every single good moment, good memory, and good person to come my way. There were the moments that still broke me for a time until I could regain my footing and focus but my faith held me strong to my core. I never felt overtaken… until then– Sept 2022. I see the pictures from that time and know the internal battle brewing before it completely boiled over. A battle that was not visible to anyone other than myself and the thing I could not control at the time– my health. And, in the span of one month, I could not see how to move forward in a positive way. I could not see past the current day and how to get through it. I was lost.
I sit here now, in 2025, just incredibly grateful to once again see so much more than the current day. The past 2.5 years have taught me a lot about patience and the value of the slow dance. I say this knowing that I am not 100% where I want to be on a personal level just yet– I guess we never truly are and should be working towards something, but I have my goals for the short term and long term and there is a lot of work yet to do. I used to think that I needed to hold my partner or son up as the reason for the hard work but have quickly discovered that my reason why has to be me or it won’t work.
I have some things to share with you in the future as I begin the work to go through my mom’s old papers over the coming months and take the journey to get to know her inner dialog. I will read them now in a really good place– one of acceptance and forward thinking. Over 2024, I reached out to my mom’s long-term partner after my dad as well. This was something that I had once felt the need to close the door on but as I now work through my own motherhood experience, I found that my needs changed. While awkward and strange in some ways, this has been a positive step for me.
2022 represented a significant pause for me and was one that carried into the following two years, and I hope that 2025 will be one of important steps and growth. I do not leave that difficulty behind me but carry it forward as just one of the many things that have shaped me into who I am meant to be. I will however, leave the darkness behind.
“And as You speak A hundred billion failures disappear Where You lost Your life so I could find it here If You left the grave behind You, so will I”
Freeing Kate 