38th birthday in August is coming for me.. bring it on!
Highlights 🖤
Dear Dad
Been walking on a tightrope, juggling high hopes and reality
Just trying not to mess up, tryna keep my head up, fighting gravity
I can’t outrun growing up, I still feel like a kid
Quick to judge the ones we love
Sometimes I forget
It’s your first time on Earth too
And I hope that you know that I don’t blame you
It’s just pain that you were passing down
I’m older, and I see it now
It’s your first time on Earth too
Back then, I didn’t get that you gave me the best that you knew how to do
You were far from done growing up when you had a kid
Quick to judge the ones we love
Sometimes I forget
It’s your first time on Earth too
And I hope that you know that I don’t blame you
It’s just pain that you were passing down
I’m older, and I see it now
It’s your first time on Earth too
Greek Yogurt Cheese Cake Bites
I don’t know what has been going on but I have been CRAVING cheesecake (and peanut butter!) and these are a nice healthier alternative. Crush up some graham cracker and mix with a touch of water to help it mash and clump together on the bottom of a cupcake baking cup. Mix together some vanilla Greek yogurt with zero sugar cheesecake pudding powder and scoop over the graham cracker crust. Mix up some PB2 (or use really peanut butter) and add a spoonful on top of cheesecake yogurt. Spoon some no sugar added pie filling cherries on top and place in freezer for a bit to set. A great snack in between meals with the added benefit of getting in some protein as well. I don’t really measure anything so just work through each step until it looks/ tastes good to you!
My Five Whys
Why does his drinking bother me?
Because it impacts the weekend and causes me to feel alone in my own mind as he escapes through it.
Why does this bother me?
Because I feel like he doesn’t want to be here.
Why does this bother me?
Because I used to feel like I was what made his life better.. a light in it. Now I feel like just another one of his problems.
Why does this bother me?
Because if he thinks I am part of the problem, maybe I AM just another part of the problem.
Why does this bother me?
Because if I AM a part of the problem, that means I have failed as a wife and partner.
Anyway
Lost
If I am entirely honest, this past weekend was probably the most challenging one that I have had in some time. Pushing aside the standard procurement of beautiful weekend family images, I come to you with a little bit of what is also real life today. That is not to say that those beautiful moments are not real life. They are– but I think it’s tough because it is necessary to discuss the bad along with the good in order to understand what a full life is made of. No life is perfect, and the good moments are a heck of a lot easier to talk about.
Driving myself to work this morning included a lot of introspection- and faith-based radio- and I wish I could say that it all brought me clarity but as I arrived at my destination at 7:15am, I felt no clearer than I did on Friday… or yesterday… or at 4:30am this morning as I stood in front of my bathroom mirror. So much of my life since it became my own has been about regaining and holding onto control around the things that I can but there are some things that I just can’t control because they aren’t mine and I am not meant to be the keeper of them. And so, I am in the mud. I am down in it and as of this morning, I find myself unable to climb out just yet.
I think the hardest part of feeling lost today is the lack of emotion that I am feeling around it. The standard for me has always been an ability to feel the emotions– all of them– no matter how ugly and exhausting they are, and it is in the confrontation that I find healing and move forward. Right now, I just feel- nothing. I am separated from my emotions which I can’t help but notice must be some sort of defense mechanism. The dreaded wall is up.
I did have a brief moment last night where everything just came out. In the lateness of the evening, the exhaustion of barely sleeping all weekend… I couldn’t keep it buried just then. My little guy next to me in bed, watching his ipad. I just let it silently flow for a moment and turned to lay down. He switched off his ipad and turned to me, hugging me through the overwhelming feeling of loneliness. I can’t explain the feeling of it, like the transfer of strength from this little amazing human and he didn’t even realize the power of it. God knew what he was doing when he gave me this one.
Now I just ask myself– where do I go from here?
Time to Recharge
I took some time to pause with family for a few days and we took our first flight as a family to Colorado for a couple of relaxing days in the mountains followed by a fun supercross event in Denver! The weather was all sorts of all over with temps in the 30’s at times and highs in Denver near 80. It was truly tough to pack for this trip, but it was amazing.
I was a bit terrified of getting around airports with a 4-year-old but watching his excitement during that first ascent into the sky was well worth any difficulty. I took my first flight well into my 20’s so this was truly special to see him get this chance at such a young age– to be able to comfortably provide and afford these opportunities. I don’t take them for granted.
We took a 4-mile hike as a family and did a lot of walking around in general. It’s one of the things I love about CO and in particular, something I found amazing now during this healthier moment that I am having in life. Coffee on the deck was spectacular when it wasn’t too cold! There was a dusting of snow each morning but our final one there was just beautiful, so we ate breakfast outside.
The trip back was tough because I think we all wished we had a bit more time but coming home is always bittersweet and we missed our fur– and feather– kiddos when we were away. Travel back went very smoothly and we didn’t lose Marty along the way (our son’s favorite stuffy). Our son is already asking when we will go back. We will get there some day but for now, will hold onto some pretty amazing memories created there.
68
On the 24th, she turned 68 and it came and went quietly. Every year comes with the question– will this one be the last? It’s been about 10 years now since it became so absolutely apparent that something was wrong, and for women diagnosed with dementia around the age of 60, the average lifespan is an additional 8.9 years.
I so often wonder what she would think if she could see me today. I have no real good reason for it given our past and the damage done but that doesn’t matter. I will always wonder what she would think. It comes up most on the typical days– her birthday and Mother’s Day. On Mother’s Day I do have a new focus on how does my son see me? It’s a nice shift but that old question is still burried somewhere underneath.
For years, everyone told me I looked like her and for some time, I hated it. I now embrace it and share it with others. I do carry her in some small way with me, always. In that way, she is still here and always will be.
“I am tied by truth like an anchor
Anchored to a bottomless sea
I am floating freely in the heavens
Held in by your heart’s gravity
All because of love
All because of love
Even though sometimes you don’t know who I am
I am you, everything you do
Anything you say, you want me to be
You and me are charms on a chain
Linked eternally in what we can’t undo
And I am you”
Learning to Fly
First kite flying session last weekend and he loved it! It was a stunning day. I hope everyone had an amazing Easter! ❤
Balance
I have been shooting for 30-40 grams of protein per meal (I don’t always make it but that’s ok!). When I am in a pinch/ rush, I grab a protein bar and a Bubbl’r and I am on my way. I do personally feel as though getting your protein through healthy foods is a far better way to go when you can but a supplement every now and again can be helpful– especially working the busy corporate mom-life. Certainly, it can be better than the unhealthy alternatives out there.. although there is nothing wrong with indulging in a snack either. It’s all about the balance!
Freeing Kate 