Tag: mental-health

Lost

Published on by lacylynnetteLeave a comment

If I am entirely honest, this past weekend was probably the most challenging one that I have had in some time. Pushing aside the standard procurement of beautiful weekend family images, I come to you with a little bit of what is also real life today. That is not to say that those beautiful moments are not real life. They are– but I think it’s tough because it is necessary to discuss the bad along with the good in order to understand what a full life is made of. No life is perfect, and the good moments are a heck of a lot easier to talk about.

Driving myself to work this morning included a lot of introspection- and faith-based radio- and I wish I could say that it all brought me clarity but as I arrived at my destination at 7:15am, I felt no clearer than I did on Friday… or yesterday… or at 4:30am this morning as I stood in front of my bathroom mirror. So much of my life since it became my own has been about regaining and holding onto control around the things that I can but there are some things that I just can’t control because they aren’t mine and I am not meant to be the keeper of them. And so, I am in the mud. I am down in it and as of this morning, I find myself unable to climb out just yet.

I think the hardest part of feeling lost today is the lack of emotion that I am feeling around it. The standard for me has always been an ability to feel the emotions– all of them– no matter how ugly and exhausting they are, and it is in the confrontation that I find healing and move forward. Right now, I just feel- nothing. I am separated from my emotions which I can’t help but notice must be some sort of defense mechanism. The dreaded wall is up.

I did have a brief moment last night where everything just came out. In the lateness of the evening, the exhaustion of barely sleeping all weekend… I couldn’t keep it buried just then. My little guy next to me in bed, watching his ipad. I just let it silently flow for a moment and turned to lay down. He switched off his ipad and turned to me, hugging me through the overwhelming feeling of loneliness. I can’t explain the feeling of it, like the transfer of strength from this little amazing human and he didn’t even realize the power of it. God knew what he was doing when he gave me this one.

Now I just ask myself– where do I go from here?

The Turning Point

Published on by lacylynnetteLeave a comment

It has been 104 days since I took my starting photo as I began my workout journey. I can’t be sure of when my diet changes preceded it to be honest, but I can guess that it was about 2-3 weeks before that photo. I am still going strong. It’s strange to think about the number of times over the past couple of years that I promised myself that I was going to make changes– I was going to start prioritizing myself– and I failed every single time. What changed? When I look back over it all, it’s not what happened to me but what happened to him.

Ever since I picked this blog back up, I have struggled with what all to share here as I have navigated some significant personal challenges. Back in 2022, I went through a health journey that lingers with me today but in a way that I have learned to manage. The biggest change coming out of that is one in which I found myself in a place mentally where I had not been for some time in my life. I was frustrated with our medical system, with lack of care, little answers, and the expense of it all. Not to mention the ways in which it impacted my life for some time. In short, I became ungrateful and a little bit angry. I could no longer see some of the beauty around me.

Back in December, my little brother went through a psychotic break and in some strange way, I found that instead of dragging me further down, it somehow managed to wake me up. What was I doing? Why was I hiding from the life around me? I had no excuse. The tools were in my hands. I had all of these things that I could only dream about ten years ago, all that I hoped and dreamed about, and yet I was as unhappy as I had ever been. I was so far down in the mud; I had no idea how to claw back out. And as I watched my little brother’s life implode, I chose to save myself.

It hasn’t gotten easier. He is now out on the streets as he has chosen to do. I have worried and researched, googled, looked at all of the updates in the courts, jail roster, google, etc. I still do this every day. Where is he? I don’t know.. and I live with that every day. But, I live. I am so grateful for this life, our home, my son, and the support system that I have created around me over the past 18 years.

I have this one body and mind to take care of as I navigate more of what life throws my way. I think about the years ahead in my marriage. This year, we will celebrate 7 years of marriage and 10 years together. Our son will start school later this year. Our dogs are both 11 years old and we will have to go through their passing at some point and explain this to our son. My husband’s grandparents are getting older, and my own father is now 71. The economic climate is challenging and who knows if we will deal with job loss between the two of us at some point. We will face these things ahead and I hope to continue to head towards a stronger version of myself as we push through.

If I have learned anything, it’s that I can’t hide away. It feels awful and lonely and it’s not how I want my son to view the approach. More than anything though, I found that I needed to make changes and recenter myself not for him but for me. Growing up, I could never understand why my mom chose a drink over me every single day and I verbally asked her on multiple occasions to choose me. She never could and I now understand that what she needed to do was choose herself before she could even begin to choose me. And.. I do choose me. I choose this life. I choose to face it head on with a mind and body that is getting stronger every day. All I needed to do, was wake up.