38th birthday in August is coming for me.. bring it on!
Highlights 🖤
Tag: love
Time to Recharge
I took some time to pause with family for a few days and we took our first flight as a family to Colorado for a couple of relaxing days in the mountains followed by a fun supercross event in Denver! The weather was all sorts of all over with temps in the 30’s at times and highs in Denver near 80. It was truly tough to pack for this trip, but it was amazing.
I was a bit terrified of getting around airports with a 4-year-old but watching his excitement during that first ascent into the sky was well worth any difficulty. I took my first flight well into my 20’s so this was truly special to see him get this chance at such a young age– to be able to comfortably provide and afford these opportunities. I don’t take them for granted.
We took a 4-mile hike as a family and did a lot of walking around in general. It’s one of the things I love about CO and in particular, something I found amazing now during this healthier moment that I am having in life. Coffee on the deck was spectacular when it wasn’t too cold! There was a dusting of snow each morning but our final one there was just beautiful, so we ate breakfast outside.
The trip back was tough because I think we all wished we had a bit more time but coming home is always bittersweet and we missed our fur– and feather– kiddos when we were away. Travel back went very smoothly and we didn’t lose Marty along the way (our son’s favorite stuffy). Our son is already asking when we will go back. We will get there some day but for now, will hold onto some pretty amazing memories created there.
68
On the 24th, she turned 68 and it came and went quietly. Every year comes with the question– will this one be the last? It’s been about 10 years now since it became so absolutely apparent that something was wrong, and for women diagnosed with dementia around the age of 60, the average lifespan is an additional 8.9 years.
I so often wonder what she would think if she could see me today. I have no real good reason for it given our past and the damage done but that doesn’t matter. I will always wonder what she would think. It comes up most on the typical days– her birthday and Mother’s Day. On Mother’s Day I do have a new focus on how does my son see me? It’s a nice shift but that old question is still burried somewhere underneath.
For years, everyone told me I looked like her and for some time, I hated it. I now embrace it and share it with others. I do carry her in some small way with me, always. In that way, she is still here and always will be.
“I am tied by truth like an anchor
Anchored to a bottomless sea
I am floating freely in the heavens
Held in by your heart’s gravity
All because of love
All because of love
Even though sometimes you don’t know who I am
I am you, everything you do
Anything you say, you want me to be
You and me are charms on a chain
Linked eternally in what we can’t undo
And I am you”
The Turning Point
It has been 104 days since I took my starting photo as I began my workout journey. I can’t be sure of when my diet changes preceded it to be honest, but I can guess that it was about 2-3 weeks before that photo. I am still going strong. It’s strange to think about the number of times over the past couple of years that I promised myself that I was going to make changes– I was going to start prioritizing myself– and I failed every single time. What changed? When I look back over it all, it’s not what happened to me but what happened to him.
Ever since I picked this blog back up, I have struggled with what all to share here as I have navigated some significant personal challenges. Back in 2022, I went through a health journey that lingers with me today but in a way that I have learned to manage. The biggest change coming out of that is one in which I found myself in a place mentally where I had not been for some time in my life. I was frustrated with our medical system, with lack of care, little answers, and the expense of it all. Not to mention the ways in which it impacted my life for some time. In short, I became ungrateful and a little bit angry. I could no longer see some of the beauty around me.
Back in December, my little brother went through a psychotic break and in some strange way, I found that instead of dragging me further down, it somehow managed to wake me up. What was I doing? Why was I hiding from the life around me? I had no excuse. The tools were in my hands. I had all of these things that I could only dream about ten years ago, all that I hoped and dreamed about, and yet I was as unhappy as I had ever been. I was so far down in the mud; I had no idea how to claw back out. And as I watched my little brother’s life implode, I chose to save myself.
It hasn’t gotten easier. He is now out on the streets as he has chosen to do. I have worried and researched, googled, looked at all of the updates in the courts, jail roster, google, etc. I still do this every day. Where is he? I don’t know.. and I live with that every day. But, I live. I am so grateful for this life, our home, my son, and the support system that I have created around me over the past 18 years.
I have this one body and mind to take care of as I navigate more of what life throws my way. I think about the years ahead in my marriage. This year, we will celebrate 7 years of marriage and 10 years together. Our son will start school later this year. Our dogs are both 11 years old and we will have to go through their passing at some point and explain this to our son. My husband’s grandparents are getting older, and my own father is now 71. The economic climate is challenging and who knows if we will deal with job loss between the two of us at some point. We will face these things ahead and I hope to continue to head towards a stronger version of myself as we push through.
If I have learned anything, it’s that I can’t hide away. It feels awful and lonely and it’s not how I want my son to view the approach. More than anything though, I found that I needed to make changes and recenter myself not for him but for me. Growing up, I could never understand why my mom chose a drink over me every single day and I verbally asked her on multiple occasions to choose me. She never could and I now understand that what she needed to do was choose herself before she could even begin to choose me. And.. I do choose me. I choose this life. I choose to face it head on with a mind and body that is getting stronger every day. All I needed to do, was wake up.
The less I understand her..
The more time that I give to my son, the less I understand her. I just saw a video on this topic but in the opposite breadth– understanding a mother’s love as you yourself become one. My mom was so often annoyed by hugs, wouldn’t keep me home with her even on the one occasion that I cried for it (she was stay at home but we went to the babysitter every day while my dad worked), and used being her daughter- or rather not getting to be her daughter– as a form of punishment. It’s kind of crazy to think about now, as I continue this dive into what it is now to be a mother to my own son. I’m actually blown away by how quicky those memories and normalcies for me at that time all feel so foreign and unbelievable now. There is no stronger, no bigger, no more beautiful a love and I am embracing it with everything I have until that inevitable day when I am no longer the coolest and bestest in his world. He will always be in mine.
Free
She met me in my dreams last night again as she does every few months or so… my mother. As always, it’s as though we are the same as we were over a decade ago– before the dementia and the loss of her, though not yet physical. She is visiting and I have my son with me– an unusual departure from past dreams where I typically revert back to days before this incredible life that I have created with my boys. She is annoyed and disinterested in my son, her focus entirely on me and what I can do for her. My husband is not in the room, and I seem to not want him to be. I message him on my phone telling him that she is still here and to please not show up until she is gone but he doesn’t get the message and soon walks into the room. Now she is angry. Why is he here? Why have I hidden him from her? I finally speak the only words said out loud in this dream and they are to him. “She wishes that I’d never found you. If it were up to her, I would be alone for my entire life.” Then I wake up.
In my past life with my mom, there was no room for anyone but her. She monopolized my life, and this was how she’d wanted it to always be. Today, as she is now in a home and unable to care for herself, I can’t help but constantly wonder what she would think if she could see that I have remained broken free with this life that I have built that is entirely my own. From the earliest I can remember, she would ask me often- “You’ll take care of me forever, right? I know you’ll be the one to do it.” Sometimes I almost feel guilty about it. Then I fall asleep and meet my past yet again and I remember why I worked so hard to get to this life. And, when I awake, I am once again free.
Morning Tradition
It’s currently 6:32 on a Sunday morning and I’m sitting on the couch, fire going, iced coffee in hand.. waiting to hear the pitter patter off a little boy’s feet on the stairs as he comes to find me in the morning for our daily coffee snuggle. Our new weekend morning tradition is my favorite. I love the quiet of the wait… and, there is nothing better than the sound of his footsteps ❤️
Start To The Day
5oz cold brew coffee concentrate, 7oz water, 2 scoops of collagen peptides protein powder, splash of creamer.
100 calories, 5 carbs, 18 grams of protein, 1 gram of fat (from the creamer).
I start my morning with this every day but this is NOT my breakfast. I find it’s a great start to my day! One of the hardest things for me to get used to about two years ago was cold coffee but it was a change that I had to make when I went through a still unexplained health ordeal with my bladder in 2022. It’s two years later and I have not been fully diagnosed but have been on medication for overactive bladder that entire time and have had to make dietary changes. One of those is that I cannot drink hot coffee. The acid flares everything up. I never thought I’d like cold coffee but I absolutely prefer my coffee that way today.
Never forget.
Elephants don’t forget.. or mostly they don’t. It can be a bit of an exaggeration. I have always been highly interested in the concept of how much they likely remember though and the connections they maintain throughout their lives. Elephants can live for many years during which they follow a matriarch. They are far more likely to follow a 50 year old matriarch over a 30 year old one. They prefer to follow one who is experienced and wise.
Last night, I could barely sleep at all. I must have tossed and turned the entire night and when I finally did fall asleep, I woke up early and laid in bed next to him for hours. The whole house was so silent and all I could think about was the burn of a new tattoo on the back of my neck. Something had stirred within me all night.. and my past– my journey– was burned on the back of my neck. I can’t explain it. Through my relationship with him over the past two years, I have had to really stop and confront my demons and it has been so painful at times. Sometimes I even feel ugly for my insecurities or unlovable. For awhile, I struggled with having them at all. I wanted to be perfect, the way I am sure that he thought I was when we first started dating. But I am not perfect and I shouldn’t try to be.. and he loves me anyway. I am learning that too.
And for all of the times that I feel ugly for the anxiety inside as I work through all of the baggage that I’d hidden in a closet somewhere instead of dropping off on the side of the road as I should have, this tattoo is a beautiful picture of that struggle. It’s a reminder.. my reminder.. of all that I have come from and all that I have to look forward to. My experiences only make me stonger.
“Forget what hurt you but never forget what it taught you.”
Exception
Love is.. a look, a feeling, and a conversation. It’s still butterflies on a hundredth date, a favorite meal prepared on a special day and favorite meal prepared on an exhausting one—for you, when the last thing you want to do is make it yourself. Love is believing.. in someone apart from yourself. It is believing that someone other than you will care about your dreams as much as you do and will push you further than anyone else has ever dared, further than you can even push yourself.
Love is trusting.. that there will be fights and catastrophes and shit moments. The sun might be hidden by clouds for months, friends might come and go, family may feel non-existent but none of it matters because you still have that one and you will always have that one.
Love is knowing.. that you are cared about every. single. day. Even on the ones where you feel unlovable.
Love does not inflict pain. It will never tell us we’re not good enough even in our lowest moments when we could give more if we only had it in us. Love is not bruises and bite marks or waking up and just wanting to go back to sleep at 3 in the afternoon. Love does not leave its mark on our body but on our soul as it sets it on fire in the most amazing way possible.
Love is that one exception who just walks in one day when you least expect it and you thought you had every window closed, locked, and bolted down.
Everyone deserves their exception ❤
Freeing Kate 