Tag: life

Never forget.

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Elephants don’t forget.. or mostly they don’t. It can be a bit of an exaggeration. I have always been highly interested in the concept of how much they likely remember though and the connections they maintain throughout their lives. Elephants can live for many years during which they follow a matriarch. They are far more likely to follow a 50 year old matriarch over a 30 year old one. They prefer to follow one who is experienced and wise. 

Last night,  I could barely sleep at all. I must have tossed and turned the entire night and when I finally did fall asleep, I woke up early and laid in bed next to him for hours. The whole house was so silent and all I could think about was the burn of a new tattoo on the back of my neck. Something had stirred within me all night.. and my past– my journey– was burned on the back of my neck. I can’t explain it. Through my relationship with him over the past two years, I have had to really stop and confront my demons and it has been so painful at times. Sometimes I even feel ugly for my insecurities or unlovable. For awhile, I struggled with having them at all. I wanted to be perfect, the way I am sure that he thought I was when we first started dating. But I am not perfect and I shouldn’t try to be.. and he loves me anyway. I am learning that too. 

And for all of the times that I feel ugly for the anxiety inside as I work through all of the baggage that I’d hidden in a closet somewhere instead of dropping off on the side of the road as I should have, this tattoo is a beautiful picture of that struggle. It’s a reminder.. my reminder.. of all that I have come from and all that I have to look forward to. My experiences only make me stonger.

“Forget what hurt you but never forget what it taught you.” 

Exception

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Love is.. a look, a feeling, and a conversation. It’s still butterflies on a hundredth date, a favorite meal prepared on a special day and favorite meal prepared on an exhausting one—for you, when the last thing you want to do is make it yourself.   Love is believing.. in someone apart from yourself. It is believing that someone other than you will care about your dreams as much as you do and will push you further than anyone else has ever dared, further than you can even push yourself.

Love is trusting.. that there will be fights and catastrophes and shit moments. The sun might be hidden by clouds for months, friends might come and go, family may feel non-existent but none of it matters because you still have that one and you will always have that one.

Love is knowing.. that you are cared about every. single. day. Even on the ones where you feel unlovable.

Love does not inflict pain. It will never tell us we’re not good enough even in our lowest moments when we could give more if we only had it in us. Love is not bruises and bite marks or waking up and just wanting to go back to sleep at 3 in the afternoon.  Love does not leave its mark on our body but on our soul as it sets it on fire in the most amazing way possible.

Love is that one exception who just walks in one day when you least expect it and you thought you had every window closed, locked, and bolted down.

Everyone deserves their exception ❤

All I can do.

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                                                    tho3sojnnz

568 days…1 year, 6 months and 19 days. And I have loved you for every one of them. And it scares me sometimes. I have waited for you my whole life- emotionally, physically, spiritually. How do I make you sure? How do I make you see? How do I contend with a history that was never mine? I can’t. All I can do is love you more.

 

Unsettled

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I just want to be a good person. I just want to have an impact on this world.. even if only in my little world. When the anger and the ugliness of the events around me touch the surface of my life, every now and then unsettledness stirs within me, it permeates my day. None of it matters. I can’t change the belief system of someone else through a well thought out facebook comment. I don’t even want to. I can argue and shift and argue some more. None of it matters. When I am gone, no one will remember the things that I believed in. They will only remember the things that I did.

What I know

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I woke up last night and you weren’t next to me. So I began to search for you.. the office, the spare room, upstairs. I couldn’t find you and in my half asleep state, I had this thought that you were gone for good. To where? I didn’t know.  But I thought you were gone. I hurried downstairs thinking I’d look in the garage next, maybe your car would be gone. I would worry, I would text, you would ask that I please leave you alone. We’d argued, I’d cried, and you were angry. This was it. I had it all figured out… and then I saw you, coming from the basement. You were downstairs doing laundry.

And that’s what I know. That has been my reality.  Sometimes you lay your head down on an unfamiliar pillow in some unfamiliar hotel room in a random city of a random state and you wake up and you’re suddenly alone because you’re only connection to family tiptoed out the door while you were sleeping. In the anger and the ice cold of the moment I see it, happening all over again. It’s the fear that runs through my head..As your downstairs separating darks from lights.

Ten.

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It can take 10 people through out your life to give you an understanding that your feelings aren’t important or valid. 10 people to make you realize that you’re on your own in the darkest of moments or even simply the smallest of struggles. It can take 10 people to make you feel as though you’re alone.  But it only takes 1 to change all of that.  I wish there were more of just that 1 person in the world.

Home sweet home

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I’m washing dishes while pasta is cooking on the stove.  One dog is at my feet while the other is staring out the door at a man who is making brats on the grill while simultaneously working on his car.  Sweet Home Alabama is playing on the radio. All I’m thinking is… what a beautiful life ♡

A note from one woman to another..

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I was reading an article about women yesterday and ran across a comment left by a woman below the article:

“As a woman you are lucky to have one TRUE friend in your lifetime. Women are just brutal towards one another.”

It struck me, hard, as I thought about my own difficulties in highschool and fitting in. I was the nerd in highschool, the bookworm, the one who spent my free time singing in multiple choirs and attending Spanish club. I struggled to relate with a lot of the girls around me at my highschool.. some of it due to our differences and some of it most likely related to the fact that I’d grown up with three bothers and a not a sister in sight. I was the girl wearing her brother’s hand-me-down Batman Forever shorts who hadn’t brushed her hair in over three weeks. I was that girl and I didn’t care if anyone else liked it. I barely even noticed.

Fast forward to my young adulthood—as my circle of friends changed and expanded, I came across an ugly reality—women can be deeply hurtful to each other and very cutting. As I moved through the dating realm, I discovered that men rarely made me feel ugly or insecure about my body but there were many women who did. What was even more surprising was that many of these women were of the age where they could be my mother. Why did they think this was okay?

Some women seem to fall into the belief that when they make these remarks, they are simply being “helpful” or maybe playing the part of the concerned mother figure. As far as young women my age go, insecurities seem to play out more quietly. There may be whispers among friends or comments that have a deeper more cutting meaning that you almost have to look for to find it.

It all comes down to this—the circle of friends you choose to place around yourself. Male or female, negativity and an ugly spirit can be found in anyone so you must then choose to remove yourself from that kind of energy.

I have been blessed to find a few amazing women in life. As a woman whose mother has not been a part of her life for many years, it has truly been a beautiful feeling to find further empowerment through some truly awesome ladies. I have learned to be discerning in my friendships when it comes to my close circle. I have chosen them in life and they have chosen me and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I am also blessed to know some pretty amazing men and lucky enough to be spending time with one of them this weekend. My dad.

Project a little sunlight into the life of someone else around you today– you may never know who badly needs it. Have a beautiful weekend, everyone ❤