Tag: life

The less I understand her..

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One of my favorite things about mornings is packing his lunch for the day.

The more time that I give to my son, the less I understand her. I just saw a video on this topic but in the opposite breadth– understanding a mother’s love as you yourself become one. My mom was so often annoyed by hugs, wouldn’t keep me home with her even on the one occasion that I cried for it (she was stay at home but we went to the babysitter every day while my dad worked), and used being her daughter- or rather not getting to be her daughter– as a form of punishment. It’s kind of crazy to think about now, as I continue this dive into what it is now to be a mother to my own son. I’m actually blown away by how quicky those memories and normalcies for me at that time all feel so foreign and unbelievable now. There is no stronger, no bigger, no more beautiful a love and I am embracing it with everything I have until that inevitable day when I am no longer the coolest and bestest in his world. He will always be in mine.

The Box: Day 1

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Now I remember why– when I acquired three boxes of my mom’s “important papers” from her old storage unit in 2017– I went fully through one of them and pushed the others aside, mentally exhausted and telling myself that I would tackle them in the future. I never did. I have skimmed just the top of this one box and already, I find myself wondering if I should put it away again or burn it in some sort of ceremonial letting go bonfire. In the hope of finding just one thing of potential importance, I suppose I will attempt to keep going, at least for now.

Day 1 Discoveries:

I made the honor roll in my final year of high school complete with letter from Pat Murphy, who was the Iowa House of Representatives minority leader at the time.

My mom created and saved “demerits” that she gave out to my brothers and I for various grievances. There were 9 demerits total between my brothers for things such as being “disrespectful,” didn’t do as what told,” and my personal favorite given to my little brother– “throwing demerits at me.” There was just 1 demerit for me which entailed my having made a terrible salad because I “was very lazy and didn’t care how I made it.”

My mom very briefly kept a prayer journal in 1995 in which she details what she feels is my older brother’s stepping away from a relationship with God after which she then writes of me positively. “Cub is really blossoming into a very nice girl. I am getting closer to her more and more every day.” I would have been 8 years old during this entry and I don’t feel like a child she birthed reading it.

The hardest thing to find and read was a letter my little brother wrote to her. I have no idea when he wrote it but it is clearly from when we all still lived under the same roof. He tells her of how depressed he is feeling and at one point writes “I love you and I need you to love me.”

Day 1 Conclusion:

Do I continue this journey? What am I getting out of this? These are just a couple of thoughts I find myself having. It feels early to push this one away, this may just take me longer than I anticipated.

Free

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She met me in my dreams last night again as she does every few months or so… my mother. As always, it’s as though we are the same as we were over a decade ago– before the dementia and the loss of her, though not yet physical. She is visiting and I have my son with me– an unusual departure from past dreams where I typically revert back to days before this incredible life that I have created with my boys. She is annoyed and disinterested in my son, her focus entirely on me and what I can do for her. My husband is not in the room, and I seem to not want him to be. I message him on my phone telling him that she is still here and to please not show up until she is gone but he doesn’t get the message and soon walks into the room. Now she is angry. Why is he here? Why have I hidden him from her? I finally speak the only words said out loud in this dream and they are to him. “She wishes that I’d never found you. If it were up to her, I would be alone for my entire life.” Then I wake up.

In my past life with my mom, there was no room for anyone but her. She monopolized my life, and this was how she’d wanted it to always be. Today, as she is now in a home and unable to care for herself, I can’t help but constantly wonder what she would think if she could see that I have remained broken free with this life that I have built that is entirely my own. From the earliest I can remember, she would ask me often- “You’ll take care of me forever, right? I know you’ll be the one to do it.” Sometimes I almost feel guilty about it. Then I fall asleep and meet my past yet again and I remember why I worked so hard to get to this life. And, when I awake, I am once again free.

Progress

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The past few years, I really put myself on the back burner and I was feeling it— sleeping horribly, no energy, not caring about what nutrients I put into my body, drinking more alcoholic beverages than I should, sick a lot, etc. etc. I decided to finally do something about it at the start of December. I first started working out a couple of days a week at the start of that month. After the holidays, I attacked my diet which meant upping my protein by A LOT. My workouts became a regular 4-5 days a week with 20 minutes of cardio and 40 minutes of lifting— focus on strength: a flip from how I used to pursue fitness in the past.

The main pic below is a progression from end of December (already a month into working out), to end of Jan, to just this morning. Weight lost from my core, starting to tone things up and feeling great! The thing I most want to share is that I haven’t joined some expensive group or program to accomplish it. Just working out at home, logging my macros with a free app BEFORE I eat to make adjustments if I’m not hitting what I need, and protein powder in my cold brew coffee— nothing fancy, bought at Walmart. Any other protein I get is through the food I’m consuming which is how I prefer to get it. I’m eating a lot of great stuff too!

My goal at the start of December was to feel a lot better by our family trip in late April to Colorado for the first time since my husband and I eloped there. I felt that setting something 6 months out would help make it a lifestyle change vs a quick sudden one that wouldn’t stick. I’m psyched that I still have 2.5 months to build muscle and strength and feel that much better!

One Thing At a Time

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I take two baths a week— Saturday afternoon and Sunday afternoon. This image somehow feels counterintuitive when I look at it.. energy along with my relaxation. This used to be a White Claw and I’m good with my replacement.

As I look at my day, the reliance on caffeine is still there. It was long before my son but became more prevalent certainly after him. It’s something I’d like to tackle but if there is one thing I’ve learned as I get older it’s this— one thing at a time. As I’ve been sharing here lately, I’ve been working hard on my daily diet and exercise. This one might topple me over the edge. As we do the work, each new habit takes something of ourselves to achieve— to make into a way of life and not just a passing attempt. These things don’t just happen overnight as I feel like they once did in my 20’s when I might change a habit at the mere thought of a single positive. There is no one particular way. No definitive path. It’s different for each of us. The important thing is that we’re working towards something that betters ourselves.

Morning Tradition

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It’s currently 6:32 on a Sunday morning and I’m sitting on the couch, fire going, iced coffee in hand.. waiting to hear the pitter patter off a little boy’s feet on the stairs as he comes to find me in the morning for our daily coffee snuggle. Our new weekend morning tradition is my favorite. I love the quiet of the wait… and, there is nothing better than the sound of his footsteps ❤️

The Most Important Thing

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I took this image a little over a month ago of my breakfast, feeling pretty good about my veggies and cold brew. Not a lot of calories right there– eating healthy! I’ve spent the past couple of months working on my health. Working out is something that used to be very important to me but when my son came along in 2020, I just didn’t find the time. The last thing I wanted to do was get up earlier than 4am to make it happen before work or hop on the elliptical as soon as I got home and was already concerning myself with what was for dinner and how we were going to go about the bedtime routine that night.

Flash forward a few years and I was struggling! Not so much in the way of weight– yes a little extra around the middle but I am 37, have given birth, and my body is not the same as when I was 27. Mostly, I was feeling tired all the time, sleeping terribly, and getting sick A LOT (partly can’t be helped when you have a little one in daycare). So, I started working out about 10 weeks ago.. a little at a time with cardio first, followed by weightlifting built in more and more each week. My work outs are now flipped from 10 years ago with cardio making up about 1/3rd of it and the rest strength training.

Next came my diet. Breakfast is what you see above when I initially started working out but if I am going to build muscle, this won’t work. I wasn’t getting much out of it. I have now turned my focus to proteins and building those in where I can. The cold brew now contains protein (it was initially difficult for me to wrap my brain around adding calories to my coffee). I now put together a breakfast bowl of a cup of hashbrowns, an egg, and something lean like venison to create a balance of protein, carbs, and healthy fats. I have been also trying a lot of new recipes and foods for lunch and dinner and will likely share some here as I continue my journey.

I think what I am really hoping to articulate is that I have not done anything super special. I have not joined any groups, hired a personal trainer, bought expensive special supplements aside from my protein powder (not expensive – from Walmart) and making sure I take daily vitamins. I have not gone all in from day #1 as I used to be able to do in the past when I was in my 20’s and I had more time (and energy) to just focus on myself. I have eased into a new way of going about my day and it is becoming my new normal.

Most important of all, I am doing this for me. Yes, I love watching as my 4.5-year-old son comes to hang out with me and “work out” alongside me. He is my biggest cheerleader and I hope he is viewing how important it is that we take care of the body that we have. I love sitting with him in the quiet of our living room on Saturday morning– me with my protein coffee and he with his “coffee” (actually milk) in his little yellow mug– just the two of us, chatting about the start of our day. I love all of that but at the end of the day, through some of these moments in life, I have found the hardest person for me to love has been me and yet, it’s one of the most important things I can do.

Doors

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Sometimes life just leads us where we are meant to be. Tough to see in the moment? Absolutely. My life was about to take a turn this time 12 years ago. A family tragedy, my heart set on fire.. and it would be another 8 or 9 months before I took the step forward completely outside of my comfort zone to move away from all that I knew. I left the city by the river to a place in Wisconsin that would propel me forward in every aspect of life but mostly in matters of the heart.

“Call it karma, call it fate. You can call it luck or cosmic intervention. Either way..”

So Will I

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I really lost sight of some things for a couple of years. Given my past, much of my early adulthood was one spent feeling just incredibly grateful for every single good moment, good memory, and good person to come my way. There were the moments that still broke me for a time until I could regain my footing and focus but my faith held me strong to my core. I never felt overtaken… until then– Sept 2022. I see the pictures from that time and know the internal battle brewing before it completely boiled over. A battle that was not visible to anyone other than myself and the thing I could not control at the time– my health. And, in the span of one month, I could not see how to move forward in a positive way. I could not see past the current day and how to get through it. I was lost.

I sit here now, in 2025, just incredibly grateful to once again see so much more than the current day. The past 2.5 years have taught me a lot about patience and the value of the slow dance. I say this knowing that I am not 100% where I want to be on a personal level just yet– I guess we never truly are and should be working towards something, but I have my goals for the short term and long term and there is a lot of work yet to do. I used to think that I needed to hold my partner or son up as the reason for the hard work but have quickly discovered that my reason why has to be me or it won’t work.

I have some things to share with you in the future as I begin the work to go through my mom’s old papers over the coming months and take the journey to get to know her inner dialog. I will read them now in a really good place– one of acceptance and forward thinking. Over 2024, I reached out to my mom’s long-term partner after my dad as well. This was something that I had once felt the need to close the door on but as I now work through my own motherhood experience, I found that my needs changed. While awkward and strange in some ways, this has been a positive step for me.

2022 represented a significant pause for me and was one that carried into the following two years, and I hope that 2025 will be one of important steps and growth. I do not leave that difficulty behind me but carry it forward as just one of the many things that have shaped me into who I am meant to be. I will however, leave the darkness behind.

“And as You speak
A hundred billion failures disappear
Where You lost Your life so I could find it here
If You left the grave behind You, so will I”

September 2022

Hello Again

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Well… it has been a moment, hasn’t it? Eight years of building life, moving forward, of highs and lows, and beautiful moments. Life has led me through all the things– marriage, starting a family, moves, promotions, health journeys, my mom’s dementia diagnosis, losing myself and working hard to find myself again. Through it all, I have missed the thing that meant the most to me growing up and beyond– writing.

If you’re reading this, you can expect to hear more from me again here going forward and no matter where this goes, that’s okay too.. because, I just miss the thoughts into nothingness if only to get them down in the way that used to be my salvation growing up. I miss writing.

I can offer an update that while I wrote a lot in the past about my new relationship and the struggle to learn to build trust in another person, I did in fact marry that man and am now mom to one 4-year-old son. You may find that I will want to share a lot around what the parenting role is to me, my journey to find better health after becoming a mom and finding how easy it is lose oneself, and the work I am doing internally to understand and accept my mom’s own health crisis. If any of this is helpful to anyone else, feel free to reach out and comment!

Hello again! It’s nice to be back.