She met me in my dreams last night again as she does every few months or so… my mother. As always, it’s as though we are the same as we were over a decade ago– before the dementia and the loss of her, though not yet physical. She is visiting and I have my son with me– an unusual departure from past dreams where I typically revert back to days before this incredible life that I have created with my boys. She is annoyed and disinterested in my son, her focus entirely on me and what I can do for her. My husband is not in the room, and I seem to not want him to be. I message him on my phone telling him that she is still here and to please not show up until she is gone but he doesn’t get the message and soon walks into the room. Now she is angry. Why is he here? Why have I hidden him from her? I finally speak the only words said out loud in this dream and they are to him. “She wishes that I’d never found you. If it were up to her, I would be alone for my entire life.” Then I wake up.
In my past life with my mom, there was no room for anyone but her. She monopolized my life, and this was how she’d wanted it to always be. Today, as she is now in a home and unable to care for herself, I can’t help but constantly wonder what she would think if she could see that I have remained broken free with this life that I have built that is entirely my own. From the earliest I can remember, she would ask me often- “You’ll take care of me forever, right? I know you’ll be the one to do it.” Sometimes I almost feel guilty about it. Then I fall asleep and meet my past yet again and I remember why I worked so hard to get to this life. And, when I awake, I am once again free.
Freeing Kate 