Category: Random Thoughts

The less I understand her..

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One of my favorite things about mornings is packing his lunch for the day.

The more time that I give to my son, the less I understand her. I just saw a video on this topic but in the opposite breadth– understanding a mother’s love as you yourself become one. My mom was so often annoyed by hugs, wouldn’t keep me home with her even on the one occasion that I cried for it (she was stay at home but we went to the babysitter every day while my dad worked), and used being her daughter- or rather not getting to be her daughter– as a form of punishment. It’s kind of crazy to think about now, as I continue this dive into what it is now to be a mother to my own son. I’m actually blown away by how quicky those memories and normalcies for me at that time all feel so foreign and unbelievable now. There is no stronger, no bigger, no more beautiful a love and I am embracing it with everything I have until that inevitable day when I am no longer the coolest and bestest in his world. He will always be in mine.

One Thing At a Time

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I take two baths a week— Saturday afternoon and Sunday afternoon. This image somehow feels counterintuitive when I look at it.. energy along with my relaxation. This used to be a White Claw and I’m good with my replacement.

As I look at my day, the reliance on caffeine is still there. It was long before my son but became more prevalent certainly after him. It’s something I’d like to tackle but if there is one thing I’ve learned as I get older it’s this— one thing at a time. As I’ve been sharing here lately, I’ve been working hard on my daily diet and exercise. This one might topple me over the edge. As we do the work, each new habit takes something of ourselves to achieve— to make into a way of life and not just a passing attempt. These things don’t just happen overnight as I feel like they once did in my 20’s when I might change a habit at the mere thought of a single positive. There is no one particular way. No definitive path. It’s different for each of us. The important thing is that we’re working towards something that betters ourselves.

Doors

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Sometimes life just leads us where we are meant to be. Tough to see in the moment? Absolutely. My life was about to take a turn this time 12 years ago. A family tragedy, my heart set on fire.. and it would be another 8 or 9 months before I took the step forward completely outside of my comfort zone to move away from all that I knew. I left the city by the river to a place in Wisconsin that would propel me forward in every aspect of life but mostly in matters of the heart.

“Call it karma, call it fate. You can call it luck or cosmic intervention. Either way..”

Never forget.

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Elephants don’t forget.. or mostly they don’t. It can be a bit of an exaggeration. I have always been highly interested in the concept of how much they likely remember though and the connections they maintain throughout their lives. Elephants can live for many years during which they follow a matriarch. They are far more likely to follow a 50 year old matriarch over a 30 year old one. They prefer to follow one who is experienced and wise. 

Last night,  I could barely sleep at all. I must have tossed and turned the entire night and when I finally did fall asleep, I woke up early and laid in bed next to him for hours. The whole house was so silent and all I could think about was the burn of a new tattoo on the back of my neck. Something had stirred within me all night.. and my past– my journey– was burned on the back of my neck. I can’t explain it. Through my relationship with him over the past two years, I have had to really stop and confront my demons and it has been so painful at times. Sometimes I even feel ugly for my insecurities or unlovable. For awhile, I struggled with having them at all. I wanted to be perfect, the way I am sure that he thought I was when we first started dating. But I am not perfect and I shouldn’t try to be.. and he loves me anyway. I am learning that too. 

And for all of the times that I feel ugly for the anxiety inside as I work through all of the baggage that I’d hidden in a closet somewhere instead of dropping off on the side of the road as I should have, this tattoo is a beautiful picture of that struggle. It’s a reminder.. my reminder.. of all that I have come from and all that I have to look forward to. My experiences only make me stonger.

“Forget what hurt you but never forget what it taught you.” 

Exception

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Love is.. a look, a feeling, and a conversation. It’s still butterflies on a hundredth date, a favorite meal prepared on a special day and favorite meal prepared on an exhausting one—for you, when the last thing you want to do is make it yourself.   Love is believing.. in someone apart from yourself. It is believing that someone other than you will care about your dreams as much as you do and will push you further than anyone else has ever dared, further than you can even push yourself.

Love is trusting.. that there will be fights and catastrophes and shit moments. The sun might be hidden by clouds for months, friends might come and go, family may feel non-existent but none of it matters because you still have that one and you will always have that one.

Love is knowing.. that you are cared about every. single. day. Even on the ones where you feel unlovable.

Love does not inflict pain. It will never tell us we’re not good enough even in our lowest moments when we could give more if we only had it in us. Love is not bruises and bite marks or waking up and just wanting to go back to sleep at 3 in the afternoon.  Love does not leave its mark on our body but on our soul as it sets it on fire in the most amazing way possible.

Love is that one exception who just walks in one day when you least expect it and you thought you had every window closed, locked, and bolted down.

Everyone deserves their exception ❤

All I can do.

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                                                    tho3sojnnz

568 days…1 year, 6 months and 19 days. And I have loved you for every one of them. And it scares me sometimes. I have waited for you my whole life- emotionally, physically, spiritually. How do I make you sure? How do I make you see? How do I contend with a history that was never mine? I can’t. All I can do is love you more.

 

Unsettled

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I just want to be a good person. I just want to have an impact on this world.. even if only in my little world. When the anger and the ugliness of the events around me touch the surface of my life, every now and then unsettledness stirs within me, it permeates my day. None of it matters. I can’t change the belief system of someone else through a well thought out facebook comment. I don’t even want to. I can argue and shift and argue some more. None of it matters. When I am gone, no one will remember the things that I believed in. They will only remember the things that I did.

What I know

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I woke up last night and you weren’t next to me. So I began to search for you.. the office, the spare room, upstairs. I couldn’t find you and in my half asleep state, I had this thought that you were gone for good. To where? I didn’t know.  But I thought you were gone. I hurried downstairs thinking I’d look in the garage next, maybe your car would be gone. I would worry, I would text, you would ask that I please leave you alone. We’d argued, I’d cried, and you were angry. This was it. I had it all figured out… and then I saw you, coming from the basement. You were downstairs doing laundry.

And that’s what I know. That has been my reality.  Sometimes you lay your head down on an unfamiliar pillow in some unfamiliar hotel room in a random city of a random state and you wake up and you’re suddenly alone because you’re only connection to family tiptoed out the door while you were sleeping. In the anger and the ice cold of the moment I see it, happening all over again. It’s the fear that runs through my head..As your downstairs separating darks from lights.

Ten.

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It can take 10 people through out your life to give you an understanding that your feelings aren’t important or valid. 10 people to make you realize that you’re on your own in the darkest of moments or even simply the smallest of struggles. It can take 10 people to make you feel as though you’re alone.  But it only takes 1 to change all of that.  I wish there were more of just that 1 person in the world.