Category: Friends & Family

Dear Dad

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Been walking on a tightrope, juggling high hopes and reality
Just trying not to mess up, tryna keep my head up, fighting gravity
I can’t outrun growing up, I still feel like a kid


Quick to judge the ones we love
Sometimes I forget


It’s your first time on Earth too
And I hope that you know that I don’t blame you
It’s just pain that you were passing down
I’m older, and I see it now
It’s your first time on Earth too

Back then, I didn’t get that you gave me the best that you knew how to do
You were far from done growing up when you had a kid


Quick to judge the ones we love
Sometimes I forget


It’s your first time on Earth too
And I hope that you know that I don’t blame you
It’s just pain that you were passing down
I’m older, and I see it now
It’s your first time on Earth too

Time to Recharge

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I took some time to pause with family for a few days and we took our first flight as a family to Colorado for a couple of relaxing days in the mountains followed by a fun supercross event in Denver! The weather was all sorts of all over with temps in the 30’s at times and highs in Denver near 80. It was truly tough to pack for this trip, but it was amazing.

I was a bit terrified of getting around airports with a 4-year-old but watching his excitement during that first ascent into the sky was well worth any difficulty. I took my first flight well into my 20’s so this was truly special to see him get this chance at such a young age– to be able to comfortably provide and afford these opportunities. I don’t take them for granted.

We took a 4-mile hike as a family and did a lot of walking around in general. It’s one of the things I love about CO and in particular, something I found amazing now during this healthier moment that I am having in life. Coffee on the deck was spectacular when it wasn’t too cold! There was a dusting of snow each morning but our final one there was just beautiful, so we ate breakfast outside.

The trip back was tough because I think we all wished we had a bit more time but coming home is always bittersweet and we missed our fur– and feather– kiddos when we were away. Travel back went very smoothly and we didn’t lose Marty along the way (our son’s favorite stuffy). Our son is already asking when we will go back. We will get there some day but for now, will hold onto some pretty amazing memories created there.

68

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On the 24th, she turned 68 and it came and went quietly. Every year comes with the question– will this one be the last? It’s been about 10 years now since it became so absolutely apparent that something was wrong, and for women diagnosed with dementia around the age of 60, the average lifespan is an additional 8.9 years.

I so often wonder what she would think if she could see me today. I have no real good reason for it given our past and the damage done but that doesn’t matter. I will always wonder what she would think. It comes up most on the typical days– her birthday and Mother’s Day. On Mother’s Day I do have a new focus on how does my son see me? It’s a nice shift but that old question is still burried somewhere underneath.

For years, everyone told me I looked like her and for some time, I hated it. I now embrace it and share it with others. I do carry her in some small way with me, always. In that way, she is still here and always will be.

“I am tied by truth like an anchor
Anchored to a bottomless sea
I am floating freely in the heavens
Held in by your heart’s gravity

All because of love
All because of love
Even though sometimes you don’t know who I am

I am you, everything you do
Anything you say, you want me to be
You and me are charms on a chain
Linked eternally in what we can’t undo
And I am you”

The less I understand her..

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One of my favorite things about mornings is packing his lunch for the day.

The more time that I give to my son, the less I understand her. I just saw a video on this topic but in the opposite breadth– understanding a mother’s love as you yourself become one. My mom was so often annoyed by hugs, wouldn’t keep me home with her even on the one occasion that I cried for it (she was stay at home but we went to the babysitter every day while my dad worked), and used being her daughter- or rather not getting to be her daughter– as a form of punishment. It’s kind of crazy to think about now, as I continue this dive into what it is now to be a mother to my own son. I’m actually blown away by how quicky those memories and normalcies for me at that time all feel so foreign and unbelievable now. There is no stronger, no bigger, no more beautiful a love and I am embracing it with everything I have until that inevitable day when I am no longer the coolest and bestest in his world. He will always be in mine.

Morning Tradition

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It’s currently 6:32 on a Sunday morning and I’m sitting on the couch, fire going, iced coffee in hand.. waiting to hear the pitter patter off a little boy’s feet on the stairs as he comes to find me in the morning for our daily coffee snuggle. Our new weekend morning tradition is my favorite. I love the quiet of the wait… and, there is nothing better than the sound of his footsteps ❤️

Never forget.

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Elephants don’t forget.. or mostly they don’t. It can be a bit of an exaggeration. I have always been highly interested in the concept of how much they likely remember though and the connections they maintain throughout their lives. Elephants can live for many years during which they follow a matriarch. They are far more likely to follow a 50 year old matriarch over a 30 year old one. They prefer to follow one who is experienced and wise. 

Last night,  I could barely sleep at all. I must have tossed and turned the entire night and when I finally did fall asleep, I woke up early and laid in bed next to him for hours. The whole house was so silent and all I could think about was the burn of a new tattoo on the back of my neck. Something had stirred within me all night.. and my past– my journey– was burned on the back of my neck. I can’t explain it. Through my relationship with him over the past two years, I have had to really stop and confront my demons and it has been so painful at times. Sometimes I even feel ugly for my insecurities or unlovable. For awhile, I struggled with having them at all. I wanted to be perfect, the way I am sure that he thought I was when we first started dating. But I am not perfect and I shouldn’t try to be.. and he loves me anyway. I am learning that too. 

And for all of the times that I feel ugly for the anxiety inside as I work through all of the baggage that I’d hidden in a closet somewhere instead of dropping off on the side of the road as I should have, this tattoo is a beautiful picture of that struggle. It’s a reminder.. my reminder.. of all that I have come from and all that I have to look forward to. My experiences only make me stonger.

“Forget what hurt you but never forget what it taught you.” 

Exception

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Love is.. a look, a feeling, and a conversation. It’s still butterflies on a hundredth date, a favorite meal prepared on a special day and favorite meal prepared on an exhausting one—for you, when the last thing you want to do is make it yourself.   Love is believing.. in someone apart from yourself. It is believing that someone other than you will care about your dreams as much as you do and will push you further than anyone else has ever dared, further than you can even push yourself.

Love is trusting.. that there will be fights and catastrophes and shit moments. The sun might be hidden by clouds for months, friends might come and go, family may feel non-existent but none of it matters because you still have that one and you will always have that one.

Love is knowing.. that you are cared about every. single. day. Even on the ones where you feel unlovable.

Love does not inflict pain. It will never tell us we’re not good enough even in our lowest moments when we could give more if we only had it in us. Love is not bruises and bite marks or waking up and just wanting to go back to sleep at 3 in the afternoon.  Love does not leave its mark on our body but on our soul as it sets it on fire in the most amazing way possible.

Love is that one exception who just walks in one day when you least expect it and you thought you had every window closed, locked, and bolted down.

Everyone deserves their exception ❤

Maybe it’s enough.

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When I was 20, I used to walk to work every day. My dad worked construction, and every day I would walk by his work site on my way to work and if I didn’t see him, I’d spot his car. Somehow it was comforting. I was walking from my first apartment to my new job, saving up for my first car. I was on my own, I was safe, and walking by that site every day only added to the familiarity and the first feeling of home in many years. I needed that, I needed him.

This year, I turned 29. I didn’t hear much from my dad but I think that I am realizing that it is alright. This past year has been one of growth in a lot of ways. Growing up, my dad really wasn’t there for me in a lot of ways but I grew up to understand him and all that he couldn’t really give. That year that I was 20 was the year that he turned up on my doorstep. We started to get coffee.. A lot. We talked about my hopes, my dreams, my fears.. good days and bad days. He listened through it all. Some days, he still let me down but that was alright, he was giving me something that he’d never given before. He was listening.

I haven’t seen much of my dad this year. I miss him. This last visit with him he talked a lot about politics and baseball. He didn’t ask very many questions and I realized then what he had clearly already come to understand—that I don’t need him anymore—not in the way that I used to. Through everything, I have been alright and there are others who need him more. He said it during one of our phone conversations last year, “I always knew that I would never have to worry about you.” And maybe, that is enough. To know that for the man who has given everything of himself to everyone around him, I have never given a single sleepless night.

Home sweet home

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I’m washing dishes while pasta is cooking on the stove.  One dog is at my feet while the other is staring out the door at a man who is making brats on the grill while simultaneously working on his car.  Sweet Home Alabama is playing on the radio. All I’m thinking is… what a beautiful life ♡