Author: lacylynnette

The Turning Point

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It has been 104 days since I took my starting photo as I began my workout journey. I can’t be sure of when my diet changes preceded it to be honest, but I can guess that it was about 2-3 weeks before that photo. I am still going strong. It’s strange to think about the number of times over the past couple of years that I promised myself that I was going to make changes– I was going to start prioritizing myself– and I failed every single time. What changed? When I look back over it all, it’s not what happened to me but what happened to him.

Ever since I picked this blog back up, I have struggled with what all to share here as I have navigated some significant personal challenges. Back in 2022, I went through a health journey that lingers with me today but in a way that I have learned to manage. The biggest change coming out of that is one in which I found myself in a place mentally where I had not been for some time in my life. I was frustrated with our medical system, with lack of care, little answers, and the expense of it all. Not to mention the ways in which it impacted my life for some time. In short, I became ungrateful and a little bit angry. I could no longer see some of the beauty around me.

Back in December, my little brother went through a psychotic break and in some strange way, I found that instead of dragging me further down, it somehow managed to wake me up. What was I doing? Why was I hiding from the life around me? I had no excuse. The tools were in my hands. I had all of these things that I could only dream about ten years ago, all that I hoped and dreamed about, and yet I was as unhappy as I had ever been. I was so far down in the mud; I had no idea how to claw back out. And as I watched my little brother’s life implode, I chose to save myself.

It hasn’t gotten easier. He is now out on the streets as he has chosen to do. I have worried and researched, googled, looked at all of the updates in the courts, jail roster, google, etc. I still do this every day. Where is he? I don’t know.. and I live with that every day. But, I live. I am so grateful for this life, our home, my son, and the support system that I have created around me over the past 18 years.

I have this one body and mind to take care of as I navigate more of what life throws my way. I think about the years ahead in my marriage. This year, we will celebrate 7 years of marriage and 10 years together. Our son will start school later this year. Our dogs are both 11 years old and we will have to go through their passing at some point and explain this to our son. My husband’s grandparents are getting older, and my own father is now 71. The economic climate is challenging and who knows if we will deal with job loss between the two of us at some point. We will face these things ahead and I hope to continue to head towards a stronger version of myself as we push through.

If I have learned anything, it’s that I can’t hide away. It feels awful and lonely and it’s not how I want my son to view the approach. More than anything though, I found that I needed to make changes and recenter myself not for him but for me. Growing up, I could never understand why my mom chose a drink over me every single day and I verbally asked her on multiple occasions to choose me. She never could and I now understand that what she needed to do was choose herself before she could even begin to choose me. And.. I do choose me. I choose this life. I choose to face it head on with a mind and body that is getting stronger every day. All I needed to do, was wake up.

BBQ Flat Bread/ Breakfast Ideas

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BBQ Flatbread:

  • 1/2 Lavish Bread
  • 4oz Cooked Chicken Breast (shredded)
  • 1/2 cup G Hughes’ Smokehouse Sugar-Free BBQ Sauce – Original
  • 1 Cup Mushrooms
  • 1/4 Cup Onions
  • Handful jalapenos
  • 1/4 Cup

Low Broil crust for a few minutes. Spread 1/4 cup bbq sauce on crust. Mix the rest of bbq sauce in with chicken breast, mushrooms, onions, and jalapeno. Spread out on top of crust. Sprinkle cheese down over. Broil until cheese is melted.

Breakfast Today:

  • 1 Slice Venison Bacon
  • 4 Tbs Egg Whites, mixed in light mushrooms and onions
  • 1 Slice of Bettergoods Keto Friendly Honey Wheat Sandwich Bread made into French toast with 2 tbs egg white, 1/2 packet Splenda, cinnamon
  • Small amount of SF syrup

Brunch Break Snack:

  • 1/2 Cup Vanilla SF Greek Yogurt
  • 1/2 Single Serve SF Chocolate Pudding
  • Lightly Salted Rice Cake
  • 1/3 Cup Strawberries

The List

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I used to start out a new year by looking at the prior year’s bucket list, crossing things off and adding new ideas. It has probably been over a decade now since I’ve given this activity a shot and I find myself itching to make some changes or try something new– more than ever before.

I started my latest list yesterday and it’s interesting to find myself jotting down some things that I know were on my list all those years ago. It’s likely that I have also crossed a whole bunch of things off but I have so far unfortunately been unable to track down what would have been my most recent one given the demise of Facebook notes. So here I am, starting new.

This all started early this week when I found myself contemplating ideas for entirely new hobbies that I could potentially try out. To be honest, this is a drive that I have not felt in years. Am I going through a crisis? This is something that I began to wonder as I was writing down ideas such as– learning to play guitar (used to be on the old bucket list).. or maybe piano since our son is asking for a keyboard. The last time I felt this way was at 25 when I looked around and realized I was not even close to where I wanted to be in life when it came to work, home, my personal life– all of it. I will turn 38 later this year and I can at least say that my view is much different now. I am exactly where I want and need to be in work and at home. I have my own little family and a very good life where we are comfortable, and I have more of the means to actually try new things.

When I looked ahead at my ideas (some of them grand) all of those years ago, I felt uncertainty and unsure of how to get there. Today, I feel excitement and okay that some of these goals are within view while others may be far up ahead just yet. A few of these can and will be crossed off this year and I can’t wait to dive in!

The less I understand her..

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One of my favorite things about mornings is packing his lunch for the day.

The more time that I give to my son, the less I understand her. I just saw a video on this topic but in the opposite breadth– understanding a mother’s love as you yourself become one. My mom was so often annoyed by hugs, wouldn’t keep me home with her even on the one occasion that I cried for it (she was stay at home but we went to the babysitter every day while my dad worked), and used being her daughter- or rather not getting to be her daughter– as a form of punishment. It’s kind of crazy to think about now, as I continue this dive into what it is now to be a mother to my own son. I’m actually blown away by how quicky those memories and normalcies for me at that time all feel so foreign and unbelievable now. There is no stronger, no bigger, no more beautiful a love and I am embracing it with everything I have until that inevitable day when I am no longer the coolest and bestest in his world. He will always be in mine.

The Box: Day 1

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Now I remember why– when I acquired three boxes of my mom’s “important papers” from her old storage unit in 2017– I went fully through one of them and pushed the others aside, mentally exhausted and telling myself that I would tackle them in the future. I never did. I have skimmed just the top of this one box and already, I find myself wondering if I should put it away again or burn it in some sort of ceremonial letting go bonfire. In the hope of finding just one thing of potential importance, I suppose I will attempt to keep going, at least for now.

Day 1 Discoveries:

I made the honor roll in my final year of high school complete with letter from Pat Murphy, who was the Iowa House of Representatives minority leader at the time.

My mom created and saved “demerits” that she gave out to my brothers and I for various grievances. There were 9 demerits total between my brothers for things such as being “disrespectful,” didn’t do as what told,” and my personal favorite given to my little brother– “throwing demerits at me.” There was just 1 demerit for me which entailed my having made a terrible salad because I “was very lazy and didn’t care how I made it.”

My mom very briefly kept a prayer journal in 1995 in which she details what she feels is my older brother’s stepping away from a relationship with God after which she then writes of me positively. “Cub is really blossoming into a very nice girl. I am getting closer to her more and more every day.” I would have been 8 years old during this entry and I don’t feel like a child she birthed reading it.

The hardest thing to find and read was a letter my little brother wrote to her. I have no idea when he wrote it but it is clearly from when we all still lived under the same roof. He tells her of how depressed he is feeling and at one point writes “I love you and I need you to love me.”

Day 1 Conclusion:

Do I continue this journey? What am I getting out of this? These are just a couple of thoughts I find myself having. It feels early to push this one away, this may just take me longer than I anticipated.

Homemade Bagels

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This easy recipe was amazing! I will call out that in the above picture, I missed showing the baking powder and 1 egg used.

  • 1 cup Flour
  • 1 Cup Cottage Cheese (any %, I used 1%)
  • 2 Teaspoons Baking Powder
  • 1/4 cup Shredded Cheese (you could go with more here)
  • 1 Egg
  • Everything Bagel Seasoning
  • Fresh Jalapeno (if desired)

Mix the cottage cheese, flour, baking soda, and shredded cheese together, kneading into a ball. Some mention blending the cottage cheese but I did not do this. Separate into 4 portions and form into little bagels. Brush the tops with some egg and season with everything bagel seasoning and a sprinkle of additional cheese. I added fresh slices of jalapeno to the top of two of them (I love spice!). Bake at 375 degrees for 25 minutes. I didn’t use parchment paper which was mentioned in the various videos where I have seen these made and they still turned out amazing! Nutrition is below per bagel. I did not even find myself needing butter or cream cheese on mine.

  • 13 Grams of Protein
  • 25 Carbs
  • 3.5 Grams of Fat
  • 188 Calories

Free

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She met me in my dreams last night again as she does every few months or so… my mother. As always, it’s as though we are the same as we were over a decade ago– before the dementia and the loss of her, though not yet physical. She is visiting and I have my son with me– an unusual departure from past dreams where I typically revert back to days before this incredible life that I have created with my boys. She is annoyed and disinterested in my son, her focus entirely on me and what I can do for her. My husband is not in the room, and I seem to not want him to be. I message him on my phone telling him that she is still here and to please not show up until she is gone but he doesn’t get the message and soon walks into the room. Now she is angry. Why is he here? Why have I hidden him from her? I finally speak the only words said out loud in this dream and they are to him. “She wishes that I’d never found you. If it were up to her, I would be alone for my entire life.” Then I wake up.

In my past life with my mom, there was no room for anyone but her. She monopolized my life, and this was how she’d wanted it to always be. Today, as she is now in a home and unable to care for herself, I can’t help but constantly wonder what she would think if she could see that I have remained broken free with this life that I have built that is entirely my own. From the earliest I can remember, she would ask me often- “You’ll take care of me forever, right? I know you’ll be the one to do it.” Sometimes I almost feel guilty about it. Then I fall asleep and meet my past yet again and I remember why I worked so hard to get to this life. And, when I awake, I am once again free.

Progress

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The past few years, I really put myself on the back burner and I was feeling it— sleeping horribly, no energy, not caring about what nutrients I put into my body, drinking more alcoholic beverages than I should, sick a lot, etc. etc. I decided to finally do something about it at the start of December. I first started working out a couple of days a week at the start of that month. After the holidays, I attacked my diet which meant upping my protein by A LOT. My workouts became a regular 4-5 days a week with 20 minutes of cardio and 40 minutes of lifting— focus on strength: a flip from how I used to pursue fitness in the past.

The main pic below is a progression from end of December (already a month into working out), to end of Jan, to just this morning. Weight lost from my core, starting to tone things up and feeling great! The thing I most want to share is that I haven’t joined some expensive group or program to accomplish it. Just working out at home, logging my macros with a free app BEFORE I eat to make adjustments if I’m not hitting what I need, and protein powder in my cold brew coffee— nothing fancy, bought at Walmart. Any other protein I get is through the food I’m consuming which is how I prefer to get it. I’m eating a lot of great stuff too!

My goal at the start of December was to feel a lot better by our family trip in late April to Colorado for the first time since my husband and I eloped there. I felt that setting something 6 months out would help make it a lifestyle change vs a quick sudden one that wouldn’t stick. I’m psyched that I still have 2.5 months to build muscle and strength and feel that much better!

One Thing At a Time

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I take two baths a week— Saturday afternoon and Sunday afternoon. This image somehow feels counterintuitive when I look at it.. energy along with my relaxation. This used to be a White Claw and I’m good with my replacement.

As I look at my day, the reliance on caffeine is still there. It was long before my son but became more prevalent certainly after him. It’s something I’d like to tackle but if there is one thing I’ve learned as I get older it’s this— one thing at a time. As I’ve been sharing here lately, I’ve been working hard on my daily diet and exercise. This one might topple me over the edge. As we do the work, each new habit takes something of ourselves to achieve— to make into a way of life and not just a passing attempt. These things don’t just happen overnight as I feel like they once did in my 20’s when I might change a habit at the mere thought of a single positive. There is no one particular way. No definitive path. It’s different for each of us. The important thing is that we’re working towards something that betters ourselves.