Month: February 2025

The Box: Day 1

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Now I remember why– when I acquired three boxes of my mom’s “important papers” from her old storage unit in 2017– I went fully through one of them and pushed the others aside, mentally exhausted and telling myself that I would tackle them in the future. I never did. I have skimmed just the top of this one box and already, I find myself wondering if I should put it away again or burn it in some sort of ceremonial letting go bonfire. In the hope of finding just one thing of potential importance, I suppose I will attempt to keep going, at least for now.

Day 1 Discoveries:

I made the honor roll in my final year of high school complete with letter from Pat Murphy, who was the Iowa House of Representatives minority leader at the time.

My mom created and saved “demerits” that she gave out to my brothers and I for various grievances. There were 9 demerits total between my brothers for things such as being “disrespectful,” didn’t do as what told,” and my personal favorite given to my little brother– “throwing demerits at me.” There was just 1 demerit for me which entailed my having made a terrible salad because I “was very lazy and didn’t care how I made it.”

My mom very briefly kept a prayer journal in 1995 in which she details what she feels is my older brother’s stepping away from a relationship with God after which she then writes of me positively. “Cub is really blossoming into a very nice girl. I am getting closer to her more and more every day.” I would have been 8 years old during this entry and I don’t feel like a child she birthed reading it.

The hardest thing to find and read was a letter my little brother wrote to her. I have no idea when he wrote it but it is clearly from when we all still lived under the same roof. He tells her of how depressed he is feeling and at one point writes “I love you and I need you to love me.”

Day 1 Conclusion:

Do I continue this journey? What am I getting out of this? These are just a couple of thoughts I find myself having. It feels early to push this one away, this may just take me longer than I anticipated.

Homemade Bagels

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This easy recipe was amazing! I will call out that in the above picture, I missed showing the baking powder and 1 egg used.

  • 1 cup Flour
  • 1 Cup Cottage Cheese (any %, I used 1%)
  • 2 Teaspoons Baking Powder
  • 1/4 cup Shredded Cheese (you could go with more here)
  • 1 Egg
  • Everything Bagel Seasoning
  • Fresh Jalapeno (if desired)

Mix the cottage cheese, flour, baking soda, and shredded cheese together, kneading into a ball. Some mention blending the cottage cheese but I did not do this. Separate into 4 portions and form into little bagels. Brush the tops with some egg and season with everything bagel seasoning and a sprinkle of additional cheese. I added fresh slices of jalapeno to the top of two of them (I love spice!). Bake at 375 degrees for 25 minutes. I didn’t use parchment paper which was mentioned in the various videos where I have seen these made and they still turned out amazing! Nutrition is below per bagel. I did not even find myself needing butter or cream cheese on mine.

  • 13 Grams of Protein
  • 25 Carbs
  • 3.5 Grams of Fat
  • 188 Calories

Free

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She met me in my dreams last night again as she does every few months or so… my mother. As always, it’s as though we are the same as we were over a decade ago– before the dementia and the loss of her, though not yet physical. She is visiting and I have my son with me– an unusual departure from past dreams where I typically revert back to days before this incredible life that I have created with my boys. She is annoyed and disinterested in my son, her focus entirely on me and what I can do for her. My husband is not in the room, and I seem to not want him to be. I message him on my phone telling him that she is still here and to please not show up until she is gone but he doesn’t get the message and soon walks into the room. Now she is angry. Why is he here? Why have I hidden him from her? I finally speak the only words said out loud in this dream and they are to him. “She wishes that I’d never found you. If it were up to her, I would be alone for my entire life.” Then I wake up.

In my past life with my mom, there was no room for anyone but her. She monopolized my life, and this was how she’d wanted it to always be. Today, as she is now in a home and unable to care for herself, I can’t help but constantly wonder what she would think if she could see that I have remained broken free with this life that I have built that is entirely my own. From the earliest I can remember, she would ask me often- “You’ll take care of me forever, right? I know you’ll be the one to do it.” Sometimes I almost feel guilty about it. Then I fall asleep and meet my past yet again and I remember why I worked so hard to get to this life. And, when I awake, I am once again free.

Progress

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The past few years, I really put myself on the back burner and I was feeling it— sleeping horribly, no energy, not caring about what nutrients I put into my body, drinking more alcoholic beverages than I should, sick a lot, etc. etc. I decided to finally do something about it at the start of December. I first started working out a couple of days a week at the start of that month. After the holidays, I attacked my diet which meant upping my protein by A LOT. My workouts became a regular 4-5 days a week with 20 minutes of cardio and 40 minutes of lifting— focus on strength: a flip from how I used to pursue fitness in the past.

The main pic below is a progression from end of December (already a month into working out), to end of Jan, to just this morning. Weight lost from my core, starting to tone things up and feeling great! The thing I most want to share is that I haven’t joined some expensive group or program to accomplish it. Just working out at home, logging my macros with a free app BEFORE I eat to make adjustments if I’m not hitting what I need, and protein powder in my cold brew coffee— nothing fancy, bought at Walmart. Any other protein I get is through the food I’m consuming which is how I prefer to get it. I’m eating a lot of great stuff too!

My goal at the start of December was to feel a lot better by our family trip in late April to Colorado for the first time since my husband and I eloped there. I felt that setting something 6 months out would help make it a lifestyle change vs a quick sudden one that wouldn’t stick. I’m psyched that I still have 2.5 months to build muscle and strength and feel that much better!

One Thing At a Time

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I take two baths a week— Saturday afternoon and Sunday afternoon. This image somehow feels counterintuitive when I look at it.. energy along with my relaxation. This used to be a White Claw and I’m good with my replacement.

As I look at my day, the reliance on caffeine is still there. It was long before my son but became more prevalent certainly after him. It’s something I’d like to tackle but if there is one thing I’ve learned as I get older it’s this— one thing at a time. As I’ve been sharing here lately, I’ve been working hard on my daily diet and exercise. This one might topple me over the edge. As we do the work, each new habit takes something of ourselves to achieve— to make into a way of life and not just a passing attempt. These things don’t just happen overnight as I feel like they once did in my 20’s when I might change a habit at the mere thought of a single positive. There is no one particular way. No definitive path. It’s different for each of us. The important thing is that we’re working towards something that betters ourselves.

Turkey Meal Options

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Another week down hitting my fitness goals for protein and a more balanced diet as well as working out 5 days out of 7. The images above show just a few of my meals this week. Image 1 is where I replaced my pasta with zucchini noodles and used turkey sausage instead of burger as my protein. I also found this great sauce option where Ragu partnered with Hot Ones and I do love spice! So far, I have tried the middle option and it was amazing (ordered a new set already to have a spare one ready to go when this set is gone). No special replacement health wise but not everything needs to be swapped and some things just need to be enjoyed! Around 400 calories, including a half slice of sourdough and 25 grams of protein. I also included mushrooms down over the zoodles.

Image 2 was something I saw made online that required smashing 4oz of ground turkey onto a low carb tortilla and frying this on the stove. Toss tomato, onion, and spinach with some vinegar and seasonings and put some down over the burger. Add some tzatziki sauce down over, fold into a taco and enjoy! I also had a side of baked broccoli seasoned with salt/ pepper and a sprinkle of parmesan cheese. 350 calories, 30 grams of protein. Certainly, room to bump this one up with a side of potatoes. I ended up also having some fresh fruit after dinner.

The last image is a simple Turkey lettuce wrap made with ground turkey, onions, jalapenos, and laughing cow spreadable cheese. I also threw a little chipotle ranch on there. I had a cup of fat free cottage cheese to go with it. Around 400 calories with 43 grams of protein.

Morning Tradition

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It’s currently 6:32 on a Sunday morning and I’m sitting on the couch, fire going, iced coffee in hand.. waiting to hear the pitter patter off a little boy’s feet on the stairs as he comes to find me in the morning for our daily coffee snuggle. Our new weekend morning tradition is my favorite. I love the quiet of the wait… and, there is nothing better than the sound of his footsteps ❤️

Start To The Day

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5oz cold brew coffee concentrate, 7oz water, 2 scoops of collagen peptides protein powder, splash of creamer.

100 calories, 5 carbs, 18 grams of protein, 1 gram of fat (from the creamer).

I start my morning with this every day but this is NOT my breakfast. I find it’s a great start to my day! One of the hardest things for me to get used to about two years ago was cold coffee but it was a change that I had to make when I went through a still unexplained health ordeal with my bladder in 2022. It’s two years later and I have not been fully diagnosed but have been on medication for overactive bladder that entire time and have had to make dietary changes. One of those is that I cannot drink hot coffee. The acid flares everything up. I never thought I’d like cold coffee but I absolutely prefer my coffee that way today.